Just watched Be Kind Rewind and this quote stuck with me. Maybe someday you’ll give me the chance to fix it.
Well the common story is: the girl that you was gonna ask, you waited too long to ask. So she went on to marry somebody else and then you can’t find anybody to compare to her. So what happens? You get old.
Let me know when you get tired of this guy, I’ll be around.
I can only assume that you have been having a rough time recently because of something in your family. That plus your latest Breast Cancer Awareness app would lead me to believe someone in your family (presumably your mother, aunt, or grandmother) was recently diagnosed with such. If that is the case, I am both very sad for your family and sad for myself, because you couldn’t even tell me. Yay me, I win at life.
You made me into something you wanted, but then you didn’t want that. Go figure.
I’m thinking bout you. Hope you are well. I love you a lot.
I saw Megan again today as I was headed to the Astros game with some friends. I wish I was headed to it with you. Hell, you were probably there as there was a fireworks show afterwards.
I really do miss everything about you. I am and will still be waiting for you.
I hope you see that I am not the same quitter I was. I really do know what’s up. I really do want to wait for you.
I saw some of your friends tonight while I was out with Leraldo and his UH friends. I don’t really know what to say other than I wish you were with me at the time.
I know that I have put you on a pedestal both now and in the past. I also know that you are worth and deserve every ounce of that. I hope to make everything and more up to you someday.
I miss seeing and talking to you.
Goodnight love.
I still have hope. Time passes, but there is ample time left down the line. Things can work.
Goodnight.
I dreamed last night that you decided to be with me. It was out the blue, but you came up and hugged me, gave me a kiss, and said let’s be together.
It was unequivocally the best dream I have ever had.
I hope your weekend has been good. Have a great upcoming week. I’ll be thinking of you.
I am keeping it together. I will not let anger consume me. Things will work out.
I know that the love is there still. I know that things can work out. I hope more than anything that they will.
I can’t bring myself to look at pictures of you online. I want to, but my heart starts beating like crazy. I find it hard to breathe. I get lightheaded. I see a few, but I can only see so much. So what I have is basic profile pictures and the images of you in my head.
I love those images. I cherish them.
Remember that you are great. Please don’t ever forget it.
I won’t be sending your Father and Father’s Day card, because I know it is not appropriate at the time. I really did want to send him one. Or get to say what I would write to him. It would go something like this:
Dewaine -
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you. On this Father’s Day, and every one really, you deserve praise.
I have never really had much of a father figure throughout my life. My real dad was an alcoholic. My step-dad was an angry, self absorbed man, not cut out for fathering. That is what I have had around me. I’ve learned from my friends families, movies, tv, etc. Never anything really solid.
You really were and are a shining example of everything I expect a father to be. I was honored to be able to spend time around you and learn from you. I cannot repay you for the valuable lessons you have taught me without even knowing you were doing it.
So on this Father’s Day, I thank you. Thanks for being the best example of what a great father is. I hope someday that I can be even a small portion of the father you are.
Happy Father’s Day.
With love and respect,
Spencer
That’s about the gist of it. There may have been a little more added here or there, but I think the point comes across.
I know you know it, but you really are blessed to have not only a great father, but an amazing family. I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for your family. I miss them and the chance to be a part of them. Someday I hope. Someday.
I took this picture specifically for you. It isn’t the greatest in the world, but it is of your favorite kind of dog. You should be able to click to make it larger.
I hope to have a Weimaraner with you some day. I mean, not like birth one, but you know, raise one. Have one as a part of our family.
In the past 24 hours I have been with people young and old. Those just embarking on marriage and those, who at 93, still think of and remember fondly their life partner.
I know that I want to be that for you. I want to be there with you opening presents from people you don’t know. I want to be the person you are still thinking of at 93. I want you to be that person for me as well.
I am ready. There is no quit in me.
Please don’t think of me as the same unreliable, argumentative, non-emotional, robotic person I once was. I am now and will continue to be working hard at making myself better than that. I do all this not only for me as a person, but for us.
You make me want to do all this. You are the driving force. You really are the greatest thing in my life. Opening my eyes.
I hope someday you’ll reap your rewards. They’ll be here for you.
I went and played some basketball after we talked. It was good to drain some extra energy and play some pickup games. I played 5 three on three games and 1 four on four. It was pretty damn draining for sure. It did help to not think about your hot date tonight.
One guy I met while playing basketball, Thomas, was pretty nice. We talked some, and it turns out he only gets to play about once a month or so, when the wife and kid are doing something. I was jealous of this man. He was obviously happy in his situation, and I want to be in that same place with you someday.
I hope you are happy. I want you to be happy all the time. I hope that you realize that you need me around to help with the happiness. Who knows if that will ever happen.
You are really great and deserve to be treated so. Believe me, given the chance again, I would do nothing less than everything in my ability.
Love you baby.
Why do you check my things every night before sleep? You check my myspace, facebook, and wordpress. I know you are thinking about me. I am certainly thinking about you. Maybe you’ll accept that I am not the same person I was. I really have made a choice to change. To be better for you and for myself. Maybe you’re thinking about that too.
I hope so. I love you dear.
Do you still love me at all? If not, I really need to hear it.
I am falling apart today.
I want to talk to you, to hear your voice, to have you tell me things will be ok. To believe that is true.
I need you.
It makes me pretty sad to know I am being blocked off at every turn. Information purposely withheld from me. I am blocked from aim, blocked from gchat, blocked from facebook info, blocked from myspace, probably erased from phones, erased from lives.
I can take the truth. If you hate me, then tell me. If you want me out of your life forever, then tell me. If you have a new boyfriend and we have 0% chance ever, then tell me. If you don’t ever want to be my friend, then tell me. If all you feel for me now is pity, then tell me.
It stings pretty badly. I thought I was doing pretty well this week for the most part. I have been good, keeping all distance, having normal days, not so downtrodden. Now this? This. It hurts worse than just telling me to fuck off to my face.
I probably don’t deserve to even be talked to in any manner. I understand that. But I never expected this from you. I guess you probably never expected this from me. To care this deeply. To put forth this much effort. To open up. Look where it all has me. No where. I am a million times worse than I could ever imagine being.
You have been a huge part of my life for over 3 years now. Yeah, we only actually got into the real dating for a year, but don’t ever think that you haven’t been on my mind since I first met you. We had rough spots, I was immature, I had to move, we had fights, we have egos. But, you know, everyone has those things. Any couple worth its weight has half or more of the same issues that we think are huge items. Yeah, it sucks to have gone through a lot of the stuff we have gone through. It was certainly not all pleasant, but it had to be done. You have to get through that stuff and push out the other side. I am ready to push, and it is disappointing that you aren’t. That I am not that big of a part of your life. You would never let me be. I want to be so badly. I want to get this bullshit out of the way and lead a great life together. I understand that it isn’t easy and it hasn’t been easy. It isn’t a job, but it is work. It takes effort. Effort that we have both put in for the most part, but neither one of us fully committed to.
So here I am now, left with a gaping hole. You are/were my life. It may not seem it to you, but I gave up a lot to be with you. To make you a part of me. I guess that’s not the way you did things.
I don’t care what my friends and family think. Sure, I respect their opinions and don’t want to alienate anyone, but you are what is important to me. Tiffany. You are who I want by my side when ill or injured. You are who I want to be there for when anything goes wrong. You are who I want to support. You are everything.
I am sad and angry. I think both are valid. Love will do that to you. I know you know this. Sometimes I wonder why you never came at me like this. Did I not make you feel this way ever? Or did you just let those around you stop you from feeling? I don’t know anything anymore.
I’m sick of saying these words and having them fall on deaf ears. I’m sick of having to write in this blog to talk to you. I know you read this every weeknight before you go to sleep. I know you check it throughout the day. I know that you aren’t the only person who reads this. But this is the only way I can speak to you. You shut me out other ways. You don’t listen to what I have to say. You won’t even let me just say hi. But you check this, read this, think about this. Is that all just pity? Just sick fascination? Just guilt or remorse?
I know that I am not crazy, I am just madly in love with someone who does not feel the same. That’s a tough fucking pill to swallow.
I hope you want me around someday, in some way. But if not, just tell me. Tell me to fuck off. Being afraid to talk to me makes things worse. If you want to talk, I will listen. I won’t freak out on you. I won’t keep saying the same things to you. I will listen and respond. I am always available to listen to you.
I’m gonna attempt to get some sleep now. I wouldn’t bet on me being able to though. It’ll be a long day tomorrow.
Goodnight beautiful.
One point of this blog that hasn’t been mentioned exclusively is to prove to you that this is not a passing phase. I hope you aren’t just trying to make me prove it for longer than three months, but if that’s the case, be prepared to be proven.
It’s gonna be a long summer.
I just found the Cranberry-Grapefruit flavor of Vitamin Water at Best Buy. I hadn’t seen it anywhere in Texas until now. It is yummy.
I remember one morning in Austin, I had to leave your place early to make it to work at the bowling alley. You got up and made me a bagel with peanut butter on it for breakfast before I dashed out.
That was and still is the nicest thing I can think of anyone deciding to do for me. I never really expressed how much that meant to me, but clearly I still think about it.
Thanks a bunch for being awesome.
Well, one last thing before I actually fall asleep in this bed. I am listening to Pet Sounds and just want to post the lyrics to Wouldn’t It Be Nice. Cheesy I know, but still, makes me happy, and in the end it is my blog (at least it isn’t God Only Knows, I’m trying to keep upbeat).
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belongYou know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay togetherWouldn’t it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night throughHappy times together we’ve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn’t it be niceMaybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do
We could be married
And then we’d be happyWouldn’t it be nice
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn’t it be niceGood night my baby
Sleep tight my baby
Alright, goodnight again. Sleep tight.
Goodnight.
You know, that Cirque Du Soleil show was lots of fun. I was totally nervous though! I hadn’t been out to Sam Houston Raceway Park (and I didn’t get to go scout it like I did the Comedy Show the day before), I wasn’t exactly sure how good our seats would be, and I wasn’t entirely sure if it was one of Cirque’s better shows or not. All in all though, it was a damn good night.
Thought this was interesting and you might like to know:
Why has Brad Ausmus been wearing a different helmet recently to catch? For the past few years, I’ve been used to seeing a dead cow on his head, now he is sporting the all black. What gives?
– Peter G., Sugar Land, TexasThe change in Ausmus’ helmet is due to league rules. Wilson Sporting Goods paid Major League Baseball a fee for the exclusive right to use MLB logos on a hockey-style mask. Ausmus uses masks from All-Star, not Wilson. He was told he would be fined and/or suspended if all of the artwork wasn’t removed from his mask. He also noted that Major League Baseball approved that artwork about six years ago.
If Ausmus wanted to put an Astros logo on his mask, he’d have to use the Wilson version. He doesn’t like Wilson masks, so he’s sticking with the All-Star brand and using plain colors.
I was thinking about that walk we did for the Conservancy early in the morning.
That was a pretty damn good morning. Granted, it was SUPER early and I was tired and kinda cold, but still, it was lots of fun walking and talking with you. I wouldn’t trade having done that for anything.
That’s all.
My stomach is angry! Grumble grumble. Get some food. Grumble. Arrgghghh.
It seems I should cooperate. You know, keep the peace.
Goodnight.
This post is brought to you by Farmer’s Point, where sanity make a comeback.
I have to start at least accepting that for now (and probably for a long while) we will not be together. This means I should go out and do things one does when single. Of course, the first thing most guys do is try and have as much casual sex as possible. It’s true. I can’t make myself do that though, because I don’t want to (and you would be so mad at me if we ever got back together). I guess that just leaves me sitting here with lots of pent up energy. I’m sure you are out doing whatever you want, having casual sex if you like (though I really really really hope not), and just having a good time. I am trying to get there.
I won’t expressly tell you how I feel anymore after this post. I love you a lot and deeply care for you which I know you know. If I didn’t care, I would just delete this and call that that.
So here’s to a new day. Time to restart life and see if fate will bring us together again sometime.
Hope you are having a great day. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.
Well, it’s Monday. At times it seemed like today would never come.
My actions throughout this whole ordeal have certainly been regrettable, deplorable, and really fucking stupid. I really never knew how much it could tear you up inside to be constantly rejected by the one thing you need, love, respect, and care for most in the world. It has been trying.
Contrary to just about EVERYONE’S suggestions, any sort of grandiose action is really not helpful. What would be helpful would be for me to suck it up and stop being so fucking crazy. Believe you me, I am working on that.
I know at this point I must look ridiculous. I would expect it to be quite difficult for you to even find a shred of the man that you once loved in me. I understand that and it breaks my heart. That man is still inside here. His voice is a little drowned out at times, but he is here, holding strong. Without him, I would really be a mess.
At this point, I am just sorry that you have ever had to deal with me. You would be much happier would it were that I never existed.
If this isn’t rock bottom, I don’t know what would be.
I love you.
I am completely and utterly ashamed of my actions.
I love you so much dear. I hope to marry you and start a family. I am entirely focused on our life together.
Congratulations to Amy and Aaron. I’m sure everything is going to be great for them today.
Sorry I didn’t say it in the last post.
I love you.
Tonight was a pretty good night. Kenneth and Chris are both in town, so we met up with Joe and Erin at a bar and chilled for awhile. That was fun. We came back to my place and hung out for a bit. But, what you might ask kept it from be really good? Well, now did. And the past hour did. This overwhelming wave of sadness has swept over me. I am sad because I am starting to honestly believe that we may not end up together. I have not really let these thoughts creep in too much. Sure, I have been worked up about things, but in my heart of hearts I have known that everything will work out. But now, I don’t know. I am afraid. I am deeply saddened. I feel at this point anything I do will push you further away. Anything I don’t do will make you forget or want to move further away. I am stuck. When I talk about things with my close friends (and my mom), the first suggestion is always along the lines of “do a grand gesture or fight for her somehow”. I don’t know what to do at this point. I am fighting. I am trying. I am genuinely working on myself. I have been gesturing. Is it grand enough? I don’t know. What can I do anymore? I won’t quit, but I fear that the decision may have already been made against me. I may be fighting a losing battle. I am sorry. I still feel that deep down you love me and will be able to forgive me. I feel that there is still something within me that you want and need. I just wish I could show that to you. Because slowly, I am also starting to feel that you may choose to forget all that.
I love you so much. Please understand that any of my actions are just me trying to express that to you. I know that I am not really thinking straight at times and do not practice the best judgement. Nothing I do is meant to to disrespectful, rude, mean, or anything negative towards you. I just really really love you.
I just went swimming here at the complex. It was nice to get outside some more (I played disc golf with Joe earlier today). The pool is pretty nice and I can only imagine the fun I would have hanging out there with you.
Well, I was happier until I just noticed your text message. I am sorry if I overstepped my bounds. I really can’t say much more than that. I screwed up.
I love you so much baby. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. Thoughts of you make me both tremendously happy and sad. It’s weird, but I’ll take it. You are the best.
Good morning dear. Here’s to hoping for a great day for you. I love you lots.
I just had a long talk with my mom online about things. It was very nice. Like I told you, I am working on myself. I am opening up to people. It is helpful.
I love you lots. I hope you are sleep wonderfully.
I am in bad shape tonight. I guess I have really been getting worse everyday since Monday. Every muscle in my body feels sore because it feel like they have all been tense all day. I literally feel like at any moment I could explode with whatever is building up inside me. Kinda like a not so fun piñata. I just want to scream. No actual words would com out, just guttural noise. Noise from the depths of my soul.
So I noticed Northanger Abbey on Rachael’s desk today. She said she is reading it. I instinctively said, “So is Tiffany.” I remember seeing it on your myspace/facebook. I think about you CONSTANTLY.
I hope you are having a great morning. I am sorry about the outburst this morning. I am not sorry about what was said, cause I meant it, but I should not have posted to it to view. I really am trying to back off a lot, but it is quite hard. I love you lots.
I can’t seem to sleep. I am trying, but I lay awake thinking of you. Thinking of us. Thinking of the ways I have fucked things up. Thinking of the ways I could make things better. Thinking of how stupid I am. What have I done? Why has it gotten to this point? I love you so much. I have loved you so much for a long time now. I can’t believe that I would allow myself to fuck this up. I miss you so much. I wish I could fix everything I have ever done wrong by you. I need you in my life. I want to live the rest of my life by your side. I want a family with you. I want to be a part of your family. I want to make up with your friends and apologize to each of them. I want to be everything for you.
I want you.
I need you.
I love you.
I have still been thinking of you all day. I love you very much and will continue to hold out hope for us. I hope your day was fantastic. Sleep great my love. Remember, you are a wonderful person.
I love you baby. Goodnight.
Some days are tougher than others without you, and this is one of those.
I miss you baby.
It’s quite hard to not make any direct or indirect contact with you. I guess it mostly has to do with me wondering how much (or how little) you are thinking about me. I know that is ridiculous to say, but it’s true. So there.
I couldn’t quite sleep last night right away, so I stayed up a little watching Funny Face in bed. I got it from Netflix a little bit ago. I’m not trying to just be crazy, but I want to take more interest in things you are into. I really do like more things than I let on times and am open to lots of things. I want to do things with you that you enjoy and like.
I love you so much. Love you love you love you.
I hope you are having a great day so far. I love you babe.
Hey baby.
I went to the Astros game tonight and stood out by the Conoco Homerun Pump. It was pretty fun. I got into the game for free cause a guy in front of me got two tickets for $2 with a Powerade wrapper (apparently a Tuesday thing), and he gave me the second ticket. Pretty awesome.
Anyways, as fun as it was, I was hoping the whole time that you were having as much if not more fun at it. I especially was thinking of you when Ausmus came in on the double switch with Brocail. Then, I was all grins when Ausmus got a hit in his first at bat. I hope that you were smiling too.
I love you so much and hope to spend many more baseball games sitting with you, cheering together.
Goodnight my love.
I am thinking of going to the Astros game tonight to get out of the home. It should be fun to see them against the Cubs again (like during my birthday last year, which was amazing). I know you are going to be there, but that is not the (only) reason I am thinking about going.
I was having a weird day today. I was very hyper, distractible, annoying, and kinda funny. I would liken my actions today like those of that one time we went shopping and I was out of control. I had a lot of fun with you that night. I know I was getting on your nerves some, but it was truly a very happy night. I miss times like that.
Anyways, I hope you have fun with the gals tonight. I will be thinking about you. I love you very much.
I just realized that it’s a 4 day weekend for me with memorial day coming up. I wish I had anything worthwhile planned. Actually, I wish that you would decide you want to spend the holiday with me and we could get outside and hang out. That would be super nice. Ah, to dream.
Good morning baby. I know you won’t be able to see this yet, but I am thinking of you. I hope you have a great, less-distracted, week. Have fun at the Astros game tonight.
I love you dear.
Hello.
I went over to Baker’s for awhile today and hung out there, then went to the Flying Saucer with Erin and Joe for awhile. It was fun, I do enjoy getting to hang out with all of them.
I was thinking more. I understand that it is unfair to maintain a constant presence, be it direct or indirect, while you are trying to sort out your life. I am sorry for this. Because of this understanding, I will be taking at least through the weekend off of writing (or rather publishing my writings, I think I’ll save em as drafts nonetheless). Perhaps on Monday I will publish whatever has been written during that time, perhaps not. I know even just 6 days is not ample time, so we’ll see. I won’t write here visibly, I won’t IM, I won’t email, I won’t call, I won’t text, I won’t just show up.
Here’s the reality though: I also won’t just stop thinking about you. You will still be foremost in my mind, whether you actually know it or not. I hope that at some point you decide to contact me. I will be readily available.
Also, please forgive me for what you may receive Thursday (or possibly Friday). Know that I only want to make you happy and am in no way just trying to win you over. It was a spur of the moment thing and I shall respect you and keep it in check from here on out.
I love you very much and it pains me to say this, but (just for a little while), goodbye.
When you returned my call, I was actively trying to cry. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I thought maybe if I can let out whatever is inside me in that manner, I would feel a little better.
During our talk, I told you that what really made me distraught about Amy’s wedding wasn’t the fact that you would be there with someone else, but rather the fact that I wouldn’t be there with you at something so important to you. That made me tear up and finally cry a little. I mean that deeply. What is important to you is very important to me. I am letting you down. I am sorry for that.
I will call up John and head over there now. I am not as miserable all the time as I seem. Thoughts of you today actually kept a smile on my face all day at work. Some might say I was rather pleasant to be around today.
Have a good rest of the day.
I love you so much. You are an amazing person.
I often feel paralyzed at home without you. Today, for example, I have received calls to go out to: a) the Astros game with Joe, Erin, and Mel, b) an invite to the Flying Saucer to join Alley Theatre people in celebrating Dana’s birthday, and c) an invite from John Baker to go to his place and play video games/watch sports.
I am hesitant to do any of these. I have this underlying fear that the moment I leave here is the same exact moment you might come here. I don’t want to miss you even though I know that is completely absurd. Odds are that I will go hang out at John’s for a little bit before coming home, reading, and sleeping.
Maybe you’ll be here when I return, if I can even make myself leave.
I came home a little early today. Everyday that I come home I get to about the second floor set of stairs and turn my head, hoping (praying), that you will be standing there or there will be a note from you.
Alas, no such luck today.
Love you.
I just stepped outside into the sun and heat. It felt great. It is so beautiful. And it made me think of our time (with Kelly) down in South Padre.
I remember you asking me if I wanted to come along. I was nervous, I mean YES I wanted to come along, but I knew you were dating someone and I was really into you and I didn’t know Kel that well. But, yes. I went. As we went down there I knew more and more how much I liked you. How much I wanted to be around you all the time, even if you were dating some other guy. The trip was wonderful (sunburn and not very good hotel a/c aside). I kept trying to look at you on the drive home, which was a little hard given that I was driving and you were in the super small backseat of Kel’s car.
I know that today, I want to be with you everywhere. Given how nice it is, being at the beach with you would be wonderful. But even being in a crammed car just trying to catch a glimpse of you would be enough.
Well I just finished the book. Thanks again for giving it to me for my birthday last year. It was good. There is a big wedding part near the end of the book, and while I was enjoying it, it was also quite hard to read through given certain things (Amy’s upcoming wedding which I won’t be at with you and the wedding I may never have with you). Honestly, I had to put the book down several times to compose myself and make myself focus just on the book. Thanks again for the book.
I love you dearly.
I love you dear. I hope you are having a great day. I am hoping to finish A Spot Of Bother by the end of the day.
Good morning my love.
It’s late baby. Time to get under the covers.
I went to eat with Dave tonight at Texadelphia (I was thinking of you, so where else could we go???). He asked me what I’ve been up to. Like anyone else who has asked me lately, I told him that not too much as I’ve been pretty much living in a heavy state of depression. Though, I said, I am working on getting my stuff together and have been spending less money, reading more, arguing less, and sleeping early on work nights.
I am not ashamed to tell people how I feel about you, not that I have ever been or needed to be. I love you dearly and it is crushing to know that both: a) I helped ruin things and b) The ball is certainly not in my court. There is a job at UT that I have thought about applying for, but it requires me to send my resume, letter of interest, and references. I have these things printed out and in an envelope here at home. I cannot make myself send it off though. I don’t want to leave, not if you are here. I want to be with you, wherever you are and want to be. I would move to Katy and live down the street from your folks and sister if that’s what you wanted. I have no great plans to go elsewhere or work elsewhere. I know that you are most important in my life.
So the Astros are home for a ton of games this week. I would love to go, but like the musical, I cannot bear the thought of going without you. If you want to go to any games with me, let me know. I would be ecstatic.
Ok, that’s enough of me before bed. I am going to read some now. I hope to have dreams of you and me. I hope you have dreams of whatever truly makes you happy. I love you so much and I miss you.
Goodnight.
I want to see the show, but I can’t make myself go without you. Please let me know if you want to go sometime and I will get tickets.
I love you.
You are so beautiful. Simply breathtaking.
If by some act of God you are able and wanting to go to opening of An American In Paris tonight (at 6:30pm) with me, I will be ready.
Good morning love.
I just got home from hanging out with Leraldo and some of his friends. We played poker ($5 game) for a little bit, then Leraldo and I went and got some food. We talked a lot about both you and Paige. I need you to understand that I am willing to wait however long it takes. I can’t promise to be in the best physical and mental condition at that time (I mean, it is taking a toll), but it would be worth it (and I will recover). I love you so much and know for a fact that you are who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is absolutely no question in mind about that. I hope that it doesn’t take years of waiting, but if that’s what is necessary, than I am more than willing to put in the legwork.
I love you more than anyone could ever convey. Goodnight dear.
I love you baby.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
My greatest wish (as ridiculous as it may seem) is that you will knock on my door. I answer, breathing heavily, nervous, and full of anticipation. I start to say hello, my voice probably cracking as I try my hardest to just speak normally. You interrupt me, and say, “Shut up idiot. I love you too, but don’t fuck this up.” Then you kiss me, at which point my knees certainly give way to buckling and you are practically holding me. I regain feeling in the legs, stand, look at you with my eyes watering, and say, “I love you so much. I will never let you down again, for as long as we live.”
And I won’t.
Hi baby. I just woke from a little catnap. I had a dream about you and me. The dream was very real time, you were with the kids, I was not with you. But, I was thinking about you in the dream and wishing and hoping to run into you and get to see you and Cammy and Cole. Then, somehow I was over outside the house and you were putting them to sleep. You told me that you had questions for me (in a serious manner). You then proceeded to grill me on how I would handle kids. Would I care for them enough? Would I get angry at them too easily? How would I tell them about important things? Would I be there for them all the time?
Yes. No. Carefully and with your help. And yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
I love you baby. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.
And I reallllllllllllllllllllllly miss you.
Good morning baby. I love you lots. Have a great day.
I am just about to head off to sleep. I have been thinking and talking about you more (with Kenneth again tonight). I really want to make this work if you will have me. I really love and care for you.
I hope you had a good night. Sleep well my dear.
I know this next week is gonna be tough. The gears are already in motion.
I really really really wanted to go with you to Amy’s wedding. I know how important it is going to be and I feel like I’ve failed (which I guess I really have) you, her, and everyone else. I know that it is going to be a happy day for everyone, and unfortunately it will be the opposite of me. I will be thinking about you standing there with her, you smiling and crying with your friends, and (of course) you dancing with and being happy with your date of choice.
Which won’t be me.
I can’t hardly stomach the thought of even seeing pictures from the wedding. I’m sure you will look beautiful. You always do. You really don’t know how naturally beautiful you are. It’s enough to make my eyes water thinking about how I won’t get to see you that day.
I love you so much. I know I sound like a broken record, but really I’m more like a fixed one.
After reading Breakfast At Tiffany’s last night, I spent this afternoon watching the film. I must say, I was disappointed in the changes at the end of the film (them getting the cat together, her not just leaving, the more heavy handed love plot between them). Though, in the end, her interpretation of Holly Golightly was absolutely fantastic.
I hope some day that we can sit and watch the film together.
I love you darling.